The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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