it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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