I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
