as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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