You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
