I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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