I cut my penus on the lid.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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