His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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