So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
