Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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