I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
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i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
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MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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