Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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