His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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