I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
