Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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