pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
