I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize