sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
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