I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
