im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
