and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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