You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
