Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
