I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
