So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
