Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She even gives head with a lisp.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
