tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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