I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So apparently I’m into choking now
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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