my mouth tastes like poor choices
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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