Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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