Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
