Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
