wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
