this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Panties = found
Randomize
