brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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