Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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