This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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