My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
