he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
