why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
