I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
