My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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