she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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