I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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