I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
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