You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
