i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
