thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Randomize
