Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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