This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
