i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
