One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
She even gives head with a lisp.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
