Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I just got carded by a ten year old.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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