Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
